La Danse Macabre

When you work in medicine, death is never far from your mind. Every sick patient is a reflection of your own mortality. Every cruel accident is a reminder that misfortune missed you and struck another. You look upon shattered lives and ruined faces, and you think There but for the grace of God go I.

Eventually you develop this strange feeling that you’re skating on thin ice. You aren't avoiding death; you're dancing towards it. The water is deep and dark beneath your feet. And something is waiting for you in that void. 

You see a child mangled by a drunk driver.

You watch a young mother learn she has cancer.  

You hear ice cracking.

You go home to your warm house,  your glass of wine, your favorite book. But it's hard to get comfortable. You feel unmoored. You feel like you’re gliding over a sudden, perilous ending. There's a sense that a cold plunge is waiting for you. 

Any minute now, the water will close over your head.

At night, you lie in bed and dream of cracking ice.